Memorandum
From: The body
To: The brain
Re: Hostile Working Conditions
This memo is to inform you that the conditions you have placed me under are no longer acceptable. The grueling, harsh work you put me under has over loaded my inbox and I am not able to stay current.
When I do fall behind on the abnormal amount of work you expect me to perform, you scream at me, berate me, call me awful names and otherwise put me under undue duress.
Not only am I expected to perform my normal job duties, maintaining complex functions and systems (at a drastically reduced pay scale I might add), you have now added to my job description duties I have never performed before and I am not trained to do satisfactorily.
Therefore, I feel confident in issuing the following ultimatum: quit speaking to me in these unappreciative tones. Immediately cease all name calling. I will continue to handle the extra work, and eventually be experienced enough to handle all of your expectations. I must have forgiveness and love each and every time I do not perform to your extreme and unrealistic expectations. Failure to meet my demands will result in immediate emptying of your bladder at all social functions.
Additionally, I might add that your continual practical joking of the mouth and stomach are only adding to an already complicated work place. I have their assurance that they support my demands and promise their own results if you fail to comply.
Thanks, The body.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Mea Culpa
I know I'm whining, forgive me. I'm throwing myself a splendid pity party and apparently, you're invited.
So, it's Thursday. As I explained in my last post, I had a FIVE pound gain since Sunday. Well... I got 4.7 pounds off of it since. So, since last week I have gained
.3 lbs. Not too bad. In 4 days I have lost 4.7 pounds. So, I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I also lost .7% body fat. Why in the world is body fat percentage so friggin' hard to lose!? You'd think with all the cardio and weight training I am doing that things would... well, change faster. These small weight changes after an entire week of killing myself is FOR THE BIRDS! Eleven weeks ago I had a 13 pound loss! THIRTEEN POUNDS! Now, I am losing parts of pounds, and gaining back.
It is frustrating and annoying to see that my body can't handle the slightest amount of slack. Even extreme amounts of exercise produce only the slightest changes. Lately I feel like I do nothing but workout. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake up... gotta go, gotta go, gotta go... and the last thing I think of when I fall asleep... did I do enough? Did I sweat enough? Did I burn enough? I always answer myself, "no. You could have done more. You're abs aren't sore enough, you're not tired enough. You could have done more."
I know muscle weighs more than fat, but as someone who is still SOOOO fat, I get discouraged. If working out 60-90 minutes everyday, drinking 100-150 ounces of water everyday and eating less than 1400 calories EVERYDAY produced some significant results, I know I would feel the motivation to do more. Right now, I am wondering why I am bothering to kill myself. If my body is so hell bent on staying fat, then FINE! Do it... seems I am going to be fat no matter what I do.
I watched the season finale of The Biggest Loser. Some of the contestants had lost only a fraction of the weight I have, yet they are completely transformed. They have their lives back, and I am only a little more than half way. I am giving myself another year's committment.... to see this thing through until my son's 2nd birthday (his first was just this month). 113.3 pounds in 1 year? Please GOD let it be doable. If, after an entire year of doing the same I am not in the 100's, I am not sure I would have the strength to carry on. I just can't understand why my body is fighting me SO much. It's like my 7 year old, arguing with my every word for the simple joy of raising my blood pressure.
It's taking me a lot to stay so motivated, so focused and not just grab a candy bar. The thing is, if I beat myself up over ONLY working out 90 minutes, think of what I would do to myself if I ate a Snickers. I'm having pictures of a Catholic monks beating themselves with reeds crying "mea Culpa."
One lesson I have gained this week is that I CANNOT slack. I CANNOT lose focus, I CANNOT allow this journey to travel to the back of my mind. Just doing so for 2 days cost me so dearly. I don't think I can emotionally afford another set back. This journey is emotionally exhausting already without giving myself more work.
Sorry to be such a downer. I wish I could be motivating and inspiring for you all the time, but it's important to be honest... it's important for me to show my weak and strong sides. Otherwise, someone else on this journey may not be so forgiving when they encounter these feelings within themselves.
Have a good Thursday everyone. I'll post something more cheery soon.
So, it's Thursday. As I explained in my last post, I had a FIVE pound gain since Sunday. Well... I got 4.7 pounds off of it since. So, since last week I have gained
.3 lbs. Not too bad. In 4 days I have lost 4.7 pounds. So, I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I also lost .7% body fat. Why in the world is body fat percentage so friggin' hard to lose!? You'd think with all the cardio and weight training I am doing that things would... well, change faster. These small weight changes after an entire week of killing myself is FOR THE BIRDS! Eleven weeks ago I had a 13 pound loss! THIRTEEN POUNDS! Now, I am losing parts of pounds, and gaining back.
It is frustrating and annoying to see that my body can't handle the slightest amount of slack. Even extreme amounts of exercise produce only the slightest changes. Lately I feel like I do nothing but workout. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake up... gotta go, gotta go, gotta go... and the last thing I think of when I fall asleep... did I do enough? Did I sweat enough? Did I burn enough? I always answer myself, "no. You could have done more. You're abs aren't sore enough, you're not tired enough. You could have done more."
I know muscle weighs more than fat, but as someone who is still SOOOO fat, I get discouraged. If working out 60-90 minutes everyday, drinking 100-150 ounces of water everyday and eating less than 1400 calories EVERYDAY produced some significant results, I know I would feel the motivation to do more. Right now, I am wondering why I am bothering to kill myself. If my body is so hell bent on staying fat, then FINE! Do it... seems I am going to be fat no matter what I do.
I watched the season finale of The Biggest Loser. Some of the contestants had lost only a fraction of the weight I have, yet they are completely transformed. They have their lives back, and I am only a little more than half way. I am giving myself another year's committment.... to see this thing through until my son's 2nd birthday (his first was just this month). 113.3 pounds in 1 year? Please GOD let it be doable. If, after an entire year of doing the same I am not in the 100's, I am not sure I would have the strength to carry on. I just can't understand why my body is fighting me SO much. It's like my 7 year old, arguing with my every word for the simple joy of raising my blood pressure.
It's taking me a lot to stay so motivated, so focused and not just grab a candy bar. The thing is, if I beat myself up over ONLY working out 90 minutes, think of what I would do to myself if I ate a Snickers. I'm having pictures of a Catholic monks beating themselves with reeds crying "mea Culpa."
One lesson I have gained this week is that I CANNOT slack. I CANNOT lose focus, I CANNOT allow this journey to travel to the back of my mind. Just doing so for 2 days cost me so dearly. I don't think I can emotionally afford another set back. This journey is emotionally exhausting already without giving myself more work.
Sorry to be such a downer. I wish I could be motivating and inspiring for you all the time, but it's important to be honest... it's important for me to show my weak and strong sides. Otherwise, someone else on this journey may not be so forgiving when they encounter these feelings within themselves.
Have a good Thursday everyone. I'll post something more cheery soon.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Le Sigh...
ok, so I've been a bit MIA to my friends, family and my blog this week. I'm here to make amends. As I've explained in previous posts, I weigh myself on Thursdays and that is the only weight I record... but I still weigh myself every day to make sure I am making progress. So, this weekend was AMAZING. We had our dear friends over for dinner Friday, and spent most of Saturday and Sunday together. I love my friends.
I made good choices. I didn't have any dessert on Friday, no junk food on Saturday and on Sunday I ordered a veggie breakfast burrito but only ate the insides.
I have a point, promise.
I worked out every bleeding day. I didn't drink enough water and I had 4 glasses of wine. So, Sunday evening all the way until this morning I had a 5 pound gain. I have been LIVING in the gym, working my arms, legs, abs, busting out cardio until my shirt is drenched and sticking to my back. I added Yoga and began doing my weight lifting WHILE riding the stationary bike. I have been drinking 150 ounces of water everyday and sticking to my food plan. Three pounds came off between last night and this morning. I am trying to get the last 2 pounds off so maybe, just maybe I can break even. Now, I believe that the gain was actually water retention since yesterday I drank 150 ounces and barely pee'd at all!!! We'll see what I have to report on Thursday. I am just praying it's not a gain.
On a plus note, I got into a pair of jean shorts I haven't been able to wear since 2006. They are FOUR sizes smaller than what I was wearing in March.
I am playing with my kids more, and I think it's just great that THEY get tired much sooner than I do. I just get a kick out of that. My biceps are popping out and I feel much stronger.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense, it's late and I am beat. I just couldn't go to bed another night without blogging.
I made good choices. I didn't have any dessert on Friday, no junk food on Saturday and on Sunday I ordered a veggie breakfast burrito but only ate the insides.
I have a point, promise.
I worked out every bleeding day. I didn't drink enough water and I had 4 glasses of wine. So, Sunday evening all the way until this morning I had a 5 pound gain. I have been LIVING in the gym, working my arms, legs, abs, busting out cardio until my shirt is drenched and sticking to my back. I added Yoga and began doing my weight lifting WHILE riding the stationary bike. I have been drinking 150 ounces of water everyday and sticking to my food plan. Three pounds came off between last night and this morning. I am trying to get the last 2 pounds off so maybe, just maybe I can break even. Now, I believe that the gain was actually water retention since yesterday I drank 150 ounces and barely pee'd at all!!! We'll see what I have to report on Thursday. I am just praying it's not a gain.
On a plus note, I got into a pair of jean shorts I haven't been able to wear since 2006. They are FOUR sizes smaller than what I was wearing in March.
I am playing with my kids more, and I think it's just great that THEY get tired much sooner than I do. I just get a kick out of that. My biceps are popping out and I feel much stronger.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense, it's late and I am beat. I just couldn't go to bed another night without blogging.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Weigh-in
Thursdays are either very good or very bad. This week is ok I suppose. I lost 3 pounds, which brings my total lost to 167, and 113 left to lose. Not too shabby. I added a second set of cardio into my workout as well as a bit of Yoga to keep my flexibility. Hopefully that pays off next week.
I bought some new clothes yesterday. One of the shirts is a smallish tank top. I DO NOT wear tank tops in public - I am too embarassed by my arms, but I am seeing more definition each day so I am feeling more confident.
That's all for today really - my motivation is up. I am off to lift some weights, shower and run a zillion errands with the baby before the 7 year old gets out of school. Then it's off to gymnastics.
I bought some new clothes yesterday. One of the shirts is a smallish tank top. I DO NOT wear tank tops in public - I am too embarassed by my arms, but I am seeing more definition each day so I am feeling more confident.
That's all for today really - my motivation is up. I am off to lift some weights, shower and run a zillion errands with the baby before the 7 year old gets out of school. Then it's off to gymnastics.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Ultra-tomatoes
For some reason, I have lost my spunk today. It's been gradually slipping away over the last few days... I've been more tired, putting off my exercises... just plain ick.
I am seeing a slight comeback of my bitchier, bitter side. Last night while watching the Biggest Loser, my significant other made some off handed remark about former contestants who gain the weight back. She couldn't understand WHY after all that effort, people would allow themselves to fall back to old habits. All I saw was red.
When I met her, I was 100 pounds lighter than I was last year. I was in the middle of my weight loss, and she was in the middle of a self-destruct mode that included lots of cigarettes, alcohol and fast food. She also was extremely needy in the beginning and couldn't be away from me for very long - so I couldn't even exercise and she REFUSED to). I tried several times to end the relationship, scared that I was losing (and I did lose) everything that was important to me. So, because I sacrificed my priorities, I gained 100 pounds.
I began to tell her all the ways she influenced me to gain my weight... "oh, you've been good, you can cheat a little," or "it's Soandso's birthday! Have another drink..." or "I am too tired to cook, let's grab something on the way home..." The constant pressure to be unhealthy was hard to handle.
She yelled at me for me to not blame all my gain on her. I try not to, obviously I still had major issues if I allowed myself to be pressured again and again. But, as the only one in my family actively trying to be healthier... it's hard to keep up the motivation.
Last night after coming home I suggested we go exercise... I got a lot of blahs. That pretty much sums up the effort around here. Someone tries it with me for a day or two, then they start to feel tired or sore and they give up for a few weeks and then begin again. I think the thing that irks me so much is that they all want a gold star for putting in a tenth of the effort that I do. If they do one day's workout, they brag about it for a week... meanwhile I am still trudging to the gym almost everyday.
I can barely keep my enthusiasm up for MY journey... let alone everyone else's. I can't talk you into exercising, quitting smoking, eating better or taking vitamins. It takes every bit of my willpower to do these things for myself! So... as of this moment, they are all on their own. I am not going to drag them behind me, kicking and screaming. If they want to walk this path with me, they will have to catch up on their own when they are ready.
It's fucking HARD looking down the barrel of 116 pounds. It's so hard looking at my body everyday in the mirror and not noticing any major changes. It's so hard to not say, "forget this!" and decide to remain 116 pounds overweight. I am trying really hard NOT to take the easy way out (something that is decidely foreign to most Americans, but that is a different post).
This MUST be the first thing I finish... I've given up so much already. I hope I'm more upbeat tomorrow. But, even after as much as I've lost... the path ahead is only going to be harder and as I approach "looking normal" it will be easier for me to settle for "good enough."
I am seeing a slight comeback of my bitchier, bitter side. Last night while watching the Biggest Loser, my significant other made some off handed remark about former contestants who gain the weight back. She couldn't understand WHY after all that effort, people would allow themselves to fall back to old habits. All I saw was red.
When I met her, I was 100 pounds lighter than I was last year. I was in the middle of my weight loss, and she was in the middle of a self-destruct mode that included lots of cigarettes, alcohol and fast food. She also was extremely needy in the beginning and couldn't be away from me for very long - so I couldn't even exercise and she REFUSED to). I tried several times to end the relationship, scared that I was losing (and I did lose) everything that was important to me. So, because I sacrificed my priorities, I gained 100 pounds.
I began to tell her all the ways she influenced me to gain my weight... "oh, you've been good, you can cheat a little," or "it's Soandso's birthday! Have another drink..." or "I am too tired to cook, let's grab something on the way home..." The constant pressure to be unhealthy was hard to handle.
She yelled at me for me to not blame all my gain on her. I try not to, obviously I still had major issues if I allowed myself to be pressured again and again. But, as the only one in my family actively trying to be healthier... it's hard to keep up the motivation.
Last night after coming home I suggested we go exercise... I got a lot of blahs. That pretty much sums up the effort around here. Someone tries it with me for a day or two, then they start to feel tired or sore and they give up for a few weeks and then begin again. I think the thing that irks me so much is that they all want a gold star for putting in a tenth of the effort that I do. If they do one day's workout, they brag about it for a week... meanwhile I am still trudging to the gym almost everyday.
I can barely keep my enthusiasm up for MY journey... let alone everyone else's. I can't talk you into exercising, quitting smoking, eating better or taking vitamins. It takes every bit of my willpower to do these things for myself! So... as of this moment, they are all on their own. I am not going to drag them behind me, kicking and screaming. If they want to walk this path with me, they will have to catch up on their own when they are ready.
It's fucking HARD looking down the barrel of 116 pounds. It's so hard looking at my body everyday in the mirror and not noticing any major changes. It's so hard to not say, "forget this!" and decide to remain 116 pounds overweight. I am trying really hard NOT to take the easy way out (something that is decidely foreign to most Americans, but that is a different post).
This MUST be the first thing I finish... I've given up so much already. I hope I'm more upbeat tomorrow. But, even after as much as I've lost... the path ahead is only going to be harder and as I approach "looking normal" it will be easier for me to settle for "good enough."
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Coolest Thing in the World...
So, one of the women on Fitday posted this AMAZING website (http://www.naturalphysiques.com/howmanypounds/) where you enter how much weight you've lost/want to lose and they tell you what it means in terms you can understand such as... my 164 pound loss equals saying "no" to 6598 glasses of wine or jumping rope for 29 days straight! Amazing, and lots of fun.
So, now that I have achieved one goal, I am setting another: I want to lose an even 200 pounds (though more is ok too!) by my 30th birthday - which is July 7th. So, about 7 weeks to lose 36 pounds. Think I'm crazy? Maybe...
The whole family has started working out, which is just so thrilling to me. I find that I hold myself back a little to stick with them, but they are DOING IT... and I want to honor that.
On another health note, I quit smoking today. I'd quit smoking for 18 months when we decided to get pregnant again, but started again on New Years Eve of this year. I just hate how gross I smell, the horrible breath and the aching feeling in my lungs. After a great workout my lungs feel so clean and clear - I hate polluting that with cigarettes. That and considering that my mother is dying from her 43 year cigarette addiction means that I just can't do it anymore.
There is a point in your life when smoking stops looking cool and just starts looking freaking dumb. When those wrinkles start creeping into your face and your fingers are turning yellow is when it stops being sexy... and starts becoming a turn off.
So, here's to my first evening of being smoke free (again). Wow, no more drinking, healthy eating, exercise and no more smoking... who the hell am I!? Eventually I want to kick my addiction to artificial sweeteners but my paralyzing fear of diabetes keeps that my strongest addiction.
So, now that I have achieved one goal, I am setting another: I want to lose an even 200 pounds (though more is ok too!) by my 30th birthday - which is July 7th. So, about 7 weeks to lose 36 pounds. Think I'm crazy? Maybe...
The whole family has started working out, which is just so thrilling to me. I find that I hold myself back a little to stick with them, but they are DOING IT... and I want to honor that.
On another health note, I quit smoking today. I'd quit smoking for 18 months when we decided to get pregnant again, but started again on New Years Eve of this year. I just hate how gross I smell, the horrible breath and the aching feeling in my lungs. After a great workout my lungs feel so clean and clear - I hate polluting that with cigarettes. That and considering that my mother is dying from her 43 year cigarette addiction means that I just can't do it anymore.
There is a point in your life when smoking stops looking cool and just starts looking freaking dumb. When those wrinkles start creeping into your face and your fingers are turning yellow is when it stops being sexy... and starts becoming a turn off.
So, here's to my first evening of being smoke free (again). Wow, no more drinking, healthy eating, exercise and no more smoking... who the hell am I!? Eventually I want to kick my addiction to artificial sweeteners but my paralyzing fear of diabetes keeps that my strongest addiction.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
One Down... Two To Go!
So, this morning as I was getting ready for church.... I saw my old nemesis peeking out from my closet.
They were all black... the appropriate color for a villian. They taunted me with just a flash of shine. I examined them from the corners of my eyes. They knew I could hear their jeering... zippers flapping like miniature tongues - spraying me (and all my efforts) with spittle.
"We are too much for you... you know you don't want to start your day like this... just leave it alone and come back when you really want a piece of us... see your trusty maryjanes? Yea, that's more your speed, Tubby."
I pretended to ignore the cheeky bastards. Today, defeat was not an option. They were completely unaware of my secret trainings at dawn. I had cleverly forgotten to mention it to them. I calmly walked to my dresser, pulled out my stockings and put them on in the other room. I entered the closet once more... still not giving them the benefit of eye contact. Best if I catch them unaware. I continued with the subterfuge by grabbing a leopard print wrap-around-skirt. It was too big!! So, pretending to whine and look for another skirt, I quickly entered the closet once more. I knew the ruse was complete!
There they sat, staring up at my skirts... wondering which one I would choose when WHAM! I snatched them up by the calves, walked them directly to my bed and ZIPPPPPPPPED them up.
That would be the last time stylish footwear makes me their enemy. I can almost hear them warning those skinny jeans in the back of my drawer.
I wanted to take a victory picture, so after my workout this afternoon, I changed back into my outfit... so, forgive the hair and raccoon eyes... I was a bit sweaty. Sigh, eventually I will take a picture BEFORE my workout!
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