Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Born Again

So, somewhere long the road, I lost myself. True, I've had some health issues, ended up in the hospital... but this is deeper, scarier.
Some emotional blockage is coming up for me. Issues that have a lot to do with my family, specifically my mother. I am sure you all will get to read all about it, but for now - suffice it to say that my life has had it's share of trauma, and I always thought I was so strong for moving past it all - now I realize that I stuffed it WAY down, and it's all coming up to greet me.... damnit.
I've been stabbed, kidnapped, abused, beaten by significant others, homeless... that's just what comes to mind right off the top of my head. And people wonder why I am so screwed up in my head!? No wonder I felt like I needed to surround myself in a protective layer of cellulite. And what's worse... I hid it all with humor and a shrug.
So, I get to deal with it now. And I get to deal with it the hard way... with feelings, tears, bitter anger... and hopefully love and forgiveness.
I've been battling "exhaustion." Truth is, I think I've been battling my feelings. Since I can't eat them anymore, I guess my body tried to sleep through it. Funny, I could never understand why people just slept when there was perfectly good cheesecake to be had. Guess I've still got a lot to learn.
Tomorrow is weigh-in day. Truthfully, I haven't worked out very much this week. I think I've only hit maybe... 4 or so days this week. It will be interesting to see what the scale has to show me. I think I'm ok with taking the scenic route through this journey.... seems to me that it makes for better memories.

1 comment:

  1. You ARE strong... one of the strongest women I know. Something I learned through PES (which I still wanna do with you) was that our minds stuff things down until we are ready to deal with them. And being able to set them aside to handle life doesn't make you weak. Your mind knows what is good for you. Apparently, with all the life changes you're going through now, your head is saying... "ok, if you're REALLY going to deal with this this time you need to handle these things too".... there's nothing wrong with that. You are doing what you need to do to get where you need to be.

    That being said, with PES somewhere in the future, you have me. You've told me some of the stories you've expressed here and I am always open to others. I love YOU, all of you, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Nothing you ever share will make me love you less, in fact, I'll probably just love you more :) You are a very strong part of my life, a rock for me, someone I look up to and lean on, even when you don't know it. And soon enough I'll be home with a glorious pool, back yard, and coffee. We don't need no stinking Starbucks :) We will have weekly dates, or bi-weekly idk. I know you're so busy but I miss your face!!!

    K rambling here but you will get through this and it will only make you stronger. And I'm here by your side if you need anything.

    I love you.