So, somewhere long the road, I lost myself. True, I've had some health issues, ended up in the hospital... but this is deeper, scarier.
Some emotional blockage is coming up for me. Issues that have a lot to do with my family, specifically my mother. I am sure you all will get to read all about it, but for now - suffice it to say that my life has had it's share of trauma, and I always thought I was so strong for moving past it all - now I realize that I stuffed it WAY down, and it's all coming up to greet me.... damnit.
I've been stabbed, kidnapped, abused, beaten by significant others, homeless... that's just what comes to mind right off the top of my head. And people wonder why I am so screwed up in my head!? No wonder I felt like I needed to surround myself in a protective layer of cellulite. And what's worse... I hid it all with humor and a shrug.
So, I get to deal with it now. And I get to deal with it the hard way... with feelings, tears, bitter anger... and hopefully love and forgiveness.
I've been battling "exhaustion." Truth is, I think I've been battling my feelings. Since I can't eat them anymore, I guess my body tried to sleep through it. Funny, I could never understand why people just slept when there was perfectly good cheesecake to be had. Guess I've still got a lot to learn.
Tomorrow is weigh-in day. Truthfully, I haven't worked out very much this week. I think I've only hit maybe... 4 or so days this week. It will be interesting to see what the scale has to show me. I think I'm ok with taking the scenic route through this journey.... seems to me that it makes for better memories.