Thursday, May 27, 2010

Mea Culpa

I know I'm whining, forgive me. I'm throwing myself a splendid pity party and apparently, you're invited.
So, it's Thursday. As I explained in my last post, I had a FIVE pound gain since Sunday. Well... I got 4.7 pounds off of it since. So, since last week I have gained
.3 lbs. Not too bad. In 4 days I have lost 4.7 pounds. So, I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I also lost .7% body fat. Why in the world is body fat percentage so friggin' hard to lose!? You'd think with all the cardio and weight training I am doing that things would... well, change faster. These small weight changes after an entire week of killing myself is FOR THE BIRDS! Eleven weeks ago I had a 13 pound loss! THIRTEEN POUNDS! Now, I am losing parts of pounds, and gaining back.
It is frustrating and annoying to see that my body can't handle the slightest amount of slack. Even extreme amounts of exercise produce only the slightest changes. Lately I feel like I do nothing but workout. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake up... gotta go, gotta go, gotta go... and the last thing I think of when I fall asleep... did I do enough? Did I sweat enough? Did I burn enough? I always answer myself, "no. You could have done more. You're abs aren't sore enough, you're not tired enough. You could have done more."
I know muscle weighs more than fat, but as someone who is still SOOOO fat, I get discouraged. If working out 60-90 minutes everyday, drinking 100-150 ounces of water everyday and eating less than 1400 calories EVERYDAY produced some significant results, I know I would feel the motivation to do more. Right now, I am wondering why I am bothering to kill myself. If my body is so hell bent on staying fat, then FINE! Do it... seems I am going to be fat no matter what I do.
I watched the season finale of The Biggest Loser. Some of the contestants had lost only a fraction of the weight I have, yet they are completely transformed. They have their lives back, and I am only a little more than half way. I am giving myself another year's committment.... to see this thing through until my son's 2nd birthday (his first was just this month). 113.3 pounds in 1 year? Please GOD let it be doable. If, after an entire year of doing the same I am not in the 100's, I am not sure I would have the strength to carry on. I just can't understand why my body is fighting me SO much. It's like my 7 year old, arguing with my every word for the simple joy of raising my blood pressure.
It's taking me a lot to stay so motivated, so focused and not just grab a candy bar. The thing is, if I beat myself up over ONLY working out 90 minutes, think of what I would do to myself if I ate a Snickers. I'm having pictures of a Catholic monks beating themselves with reeds crying "mea Culpa."
One lesson I have gained this week is that I CANNOT slack. I CANNOT lose focus, I CANNOT allow this journey to travel to the back of my mind. Just doing so for 2 days cost me so dearly. I don't think I can emotionally afford another set back. This journey is emotionally exhausting already without giving myself more work.
Sorry to be such a downer. I wish I could be motivating and inspiring for you all the time, but it's important to be honest... it's important for me to show my weak and strong sides. Otherwise, someone else on this journey may not be so forgiving when they encounter these feelings within themselves.

Have a good Thursday everyone. I'll post something more cheery soon.


  1. Everyone hits downturns sweetie and you're right you can't be positive all the time. You are allowed your whinny sessions. Lord knows I whine all the time about my health. Difference is you ARE doing something about it. You're not one of those people who bitches while they sit back and wait for the world to change around them. So whine all you want love. Get out that frustration and resentment. The only way to get past a feeling is to really live IN it.

    If you look at your 113 pounds to go and split it out over a year that's less than 3 pounds a week! You will have your 13 pound weeks again and sometimes you'll break even. BUT an average of under 3 pounds a week makes it seem much more realistic. Just three pounds. Try to look at it in smaller goals and make it something manageable. Even this week, when you felt like you fell backwards so much, you lost over 3 pounds. You can do this!!!! I have so much faith in you love it's unreal. And as soon as I can get my ass to California I'm working out with you. At least three days a week. Not sure I can do your ass-crack-of-the-morning exercise but I'll meet you after work for sure! It'll be good for me and hopefully having a steady buddy will give you that extra umph you may need sometimes.

    I love you SO much you really have no idea. You are my inspiration and one of my pulling desires to be home. I miss your damn face too much!

  2. Wow, you have done an amazing job! You have lost so much weight and done so much exercise and forgive me for saying this but, you are being way too hard on yourself! I read your post and I see myself in your words. I have been beating myself up all my life but to see it from an outside perspective really makes it seem rather shocking.

    It's normal to feel bad that you gained some weight back but you corrected yourself so quickly and promptly lost it again. Try to forgive yourself quickly too. You're a thinking, feeling, loving, flawed human being. You can't be perfect. In fact you never will be perfect. There is a quote by Anna Quindlen that I try to live by, “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

    Please allow yourself the time that it takes to get to where you want to go and enjoy the journey. Take time every day to be proud of yourself and your amazing accomplishments. You inspire many people and showing us that it is ok to falter or deviate from the path a little bit along the way is the greatest lesson you can teach. Just stick with what you are doing and don't set such massive goals. What happens if you don't lose 113 pounds in a year? What if it takes 18 months or two years? You won't let yourself wait any longer than a year? Because the years will pass anyway. I have 51 pounds to lose and I can't lose more than 2 pounds a week no matter what I do! Maybe once every couple of months I see a 3-pound weight loss but then that is followed by a week of staying the same or losing half a pound. The lower the percentage of weight that you need to lose, the smaller the weekly losses. I am perfectly content with taking a year or so to reach my goal. Just keep doing what you're doing and be kind to yourself along the way. I think you are doing amazing!