I know I'm whining, forgive me. I'm throwing myself a splendid pity party and apparently, you're invited.
So, it's Thursday. As I explained in my last post, I had a FIVE pound gain since Sunday. Well... I got 4.7 pounds off of it since. So, since last week I have gained
.3 lbs. Not too bad. In 4 days I have lost 4.7 pounds. So, I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I also lost .7% body fat. Why in the world is body fat percentage so friggin' hard to lose!? You'd think with all the cardio and weight training I am doing that things would... well, change faster. These small weight changes after an entire week of killing myself is FOR THE BIRDS! Eleven weeks ago I had a 13 pound loss! THIRTEEN POUNDS! Now, I am losing parts of pounds, and gaining back.
It is frustrating and annoying to see that my body can't handle the slightest amount of slack. Even extreme amounts of exercise produce only the slightest changes. Lately I feel like I do nothing but workout. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake up... gotta go, gotta go, gotta go... and the last thing I think of when I fall asleep... did I do enough? Did I sweat enough? Did I burn enough? I always answer myself, "no. You could have done more. You're abs aren't sore enough, you're not tired enough. You could have done more."
I know muscle weighs more than fat, but as someone who is still SOOOO fat, I get discouraged. If working out 60-90 minutes everyday, drinking 100-150 ounces of water everyday and eating less than 1400 calories EVERYDAY produced some significant results, I know I would feel the motivation to do more. Right now, I am wondering why I am bothering to kill myself. If my body is so hell bent on staying fat, then FINE! Do it... seems I am going to be fat no matter what I do.
I watched the season finale of The Biggest Loser. Some of the contestants had lost only a fraction of the weight I have, yet they are completely transformed. They have their lives back, and I am only a little more than half way. I am giving myself another year's committment.... to see this thing through until my son's 2nd birthday (his first was just this month). 113.3 pounds in 1 year? Please GOD let it be doable. If, after an entire year of doing the same I am not in the 100's, I am not sure I would have the strength to carry on. I just can't understand why my body is fighting me SO much. It's like my 7 year old, arguing with my every word for the simple joy of raising my blood pressure.
It's taking me a lot to stay so motivated, so focused and not just grab a candy bar. The thing is, if I beat myself up over ONLY working out 90 minutes, think of what I would do to myself if I ate a Snickers. I'm having pictures of a Catholic monks beating themselves with reeds crying "mea Culpa."
One lesson I have gained this week is that I CANNOT slack. I CANNOT lose focus, I CANNOT allow this journey to travel to the back of my mind. Just doing so for 2 days cost me so dearly. I don't think I can emotionally afford another set back. This journey is emotionally exhausting already without giving myself more work.
Sorry to be such a downer. I wish I could be motivating and inspiring for you all the time, but it's important to be honest... it's important for me to show my weak and strong sides. Otherwise, someone else on this journey may not be so forgiving when they encounter these feelings within themselves.
Have a good Thursday everyone. I'll post something more cheery soon.