I have noticed that I am becoming one of those annoying people who can only talk about one thing.... I am constantly looking at my body, grabbing parts of it and yanking them back and forth to see how tight the muscle is or how much loose skin I have.
I talk calories, exercise, water and vitamins with anyone who will listen. I can imagine how dull I must seem to my friends and family. God, I am turning into such a bore. I vow from here on to only talk fitness when I am asked.
I do this every so often. I become centrally focused and completely absorbed in a single topic... the unfortunate side effect being that I can really only give that kind of dedication to one thing at a time. Don't get me wrong! I am not slacking or relaxing at all - I feel perfectly justified in devoting this attention to my body after decades of neglect.
Women do this - we focus on taking care of everyone else while we fall to shit. I am done falling to shit. I did it, sure... but I never did it gracefully. I was never one of those wives who just selflessly gave every last iota of her essence gratefully. I am no Florence Henderson. I am the type who gives and gives and gives... and keeps score. I was resentful, bitter and angry that the world expects me to bleed, sweat and push myself to exhaustion just because I have a uterus and a set of matching ovaries.
The way I see it, this is my damned time and everyone can just pitch in a little more. The morbid truth of it is that unless I start putting my health first, I am going to end up like my dad - dead at 43. Everyone will have to do a lot more around here if I am dead, or a diabetic amputee with congestive heart failure like my mother... so I selfishly take my gym time, I selfishly spend money on my protein, vitamins and fitness program.
The great news is that for the most part, my family is pretty understanding about the time commitment. I just know that most moms out there can't get 5 minutes to pee in private, let alone be allowed to LEAVE the house sans les enfants. And that shit is just rediculous, breeds passive aggressive and codependent wives/mothers.
I've noticed a significant reduction in my bitterness. I don't just swallow everything down, keeping a Master Tally in my head to dig up during the next big fight. If things get done, fabulous... If not, I will get to them when I get to them - but for the first time in my life I am giving my inner control freak a coffee break. The baby isn't going to DIE if I am not the one who changes his diaper, the 7 year old won't be scarred for life if I am not the one tucking her in. And my GOD... CPS won't be called if I don't take out the trash everyday. Right now, I am higher on my priority list than I have ever been.... sure I might be disturbingly obsessed, or I just might be dedicated enough to achieve what I've put my mind to for the first time in my life. For women everywhere!
- Sorry for the rant, I really don't know where that came from!