From: The body
To: The brain
Re: Hostile Working Conditions
This memo is to inform you that the conditions you have placed me under are no longer acceptable. The grueling, harsh work you put me under has over loaded my inbox and I am not able to stay current.
When I do fall behind on the abnormal amount of work you expect me to perform, you scream at me, berate me, call me awful names and otherwise put me under undue duress.
Not only am I expected to perform my normal job duties, maintaining complex functions and systems (at a drastically reduced pay scale I might add), you have now added to my job description duties I have never performed before and I am not trained to do satisfactorily.
Therefore, I feel confident in issuing the following ultimatum: quit speaking to me in these unappreciative tones. Immediately cease all name calling. I will continue to handle the extra work, and eventually be experienced enough to handle all of your expectations. I must have forgiveness and love each and every time I do not perform to your extreme and unrealistic expectations. Failure to meet my demands will result in immediate emptying of your bladder at all social functions.
Additionally, I might add that your continual practical joking of the mouth and stomach are only adding to an already complicated work place. I have their assurance that they support my demands and promise their own results if you fail to comply.
Thanks, The body.