Wednesday, May 19, 2010


For some reason, I have lost my spunk today. It's been gradually slipping away over the last few days... I've been more tired, putting off my exercises... just plain ick.
I am seeing a slight comeback of my bitchier, bitter side. Last night while watching the Biggest Loser, my significant other made some off handed remark about former contestants who gain the weight back. She couldn't understand WHY after all that effort, people would allow themselves to fall back to old habits. All I saw was red.
When I met her, I was 100 pounds lighter than I was last year. I was in the middle of my weight loss, and she was in the middle of a self-destruct mode that included lots of cigarettes, alcohol and fast food. She also was extremely needy in the beginning and couldn't be away from me for very long - so I couldn't even exercise and she REFUSED to). I tried several times to end the relationship, scared that I was losing (and I did lose) everything that was important to me. So, because I sacrificed my priorities, I gained 100 pounds.
I began to tell her all the ways she influenced me to gain my weight... "oh, you've been good, you can cheat a little," or "it's Soandso's birthday! Have another drink..." or "I am too tired to cook, let's grab something on the way home..." The constant pressure to be unhealthy was hard to handle.
She yelled at me for me to not blame all my gain on her. I try not to, obviously I still had major issues if I allowed myself to be pressured again and again. But, as the only one in my family actively trying to be healthier... it's hard to keep up the motivation.
Last night after coming home I suggested we go exercise... I got a lot of blahs. That pretty much sums up the effort around here. Someone tries it with me for a day or two, then they start to feel tired or sore and they give up for a few weeks and then begin again. I think the thing that irks me so much is that they all want a gold star for putting in a tenth of the effort that I do. If they do one day's workout, they brag about it for a week... meanwhile I am still trudging to the gym almost everyday.
I can barely keep my enthusiasm up for MY journey... let alone everyone else's. I can't talk you into exercising, quitting smoking, eating better or taking vitamins. It takes every bit of my willpower to do these things for myself! So... as of this moment, they are all on their own. I am not going to drag them behind me, kicking and screaming. If they want to walk this path with me, they will have to catch up on their own when they are ready.
It's fucking HARD looking down the barrel of 116 pounds. It's so hard looking at my body everyday in the mirror and not noticing any major changes. It's so hard to not say, "forget this!" and decide to remain 116 pounds overweight. I am trying really hard NOT to take the easy way out (something that is decidely foreign to most Americans, but that is a different post).
This MUST be the first thing I finish... I've given up so much already. I hope I'm more upbeat tomorrow. But, even after as much as I've lost... the path ahead is only going to be harder and as I approach "looking normal" it will be easier for me to settle for "good enough."

1 comment:

  1. Don't settle until YOU are truly happy with YOU, because in the end that is all that we have. You have been so strong in all this and I know that you can do this! You are an inspiration to so many, use that to fuel you. Perhaps your family isn't trudging along beside you but I'm here, 3,000 miles away, watching what I eat, drinking more water, and working on my health because YOU inspired me to. You have told me before how you used to feel when you were vegan and healthier and I know you can get back there! You have strength of gods and you can push through this. We'll celebrate when I get back and I can't wait to throw my arms around you and hug my BFF again! I've missed you lady and it's only a matter of weeks now before we get on the road. I KNOW you can do this. You are strong willed and courageous to be fighting one of your biggest demons. Most people don't get to say they have fought and accomplished that, but you will. Good enough has never been good enough for you. I know you're better than that ;) You know you are too. You'll find your strength again. Everyone has bad days. I'm just a phone call away love and soon I'll call you with a status update on what state we're in as we make our trek back home!!!! Keep going love!!! I have faith in youl.