I have noticed that I am becoming one of those annoying people who can only talk about one thing.... I am constantly looking at my body, grabbing parts of it and yanking them back and forth to see how tight the muscle is or how much loose skin I have.
I talk calories, exercise, water and vitamins with anyone who will listen. I can imagine how dull I must seem to my friends and family. God, I am turning into such a bore. I vow from here on to only talk fitness when I am asked.
I do this every so often. I become centrally focused and completely absorbed in a single topic... the unfortunate side effect being that I can really only give that kind of dedication to one thing at a time. Don't get me wrong! I am not slacking or relaxing at all - I feel perfectly justified in devoting this attention to my body after decades of neglect.
Women do this - we focus on taking care of everyone else while we fall to shit. I am done falling to shit. I did it, sure... but I never did it gracefully. I was never one of those wives who just selflessly gave every last iota of her essence gratefully. I am no Florence Henderson. I am the type who gives and gives and gives... and keeps score. I was resentful, bitter and angry that the world expects me to bleed, sweat and push myself to exhaustion just because I have a uterus and a set of matching ovaries.
The way I see it, this is my damned time and everyone can just pitch in a little more. The morbid truth of it is that unless I start putting my health first, I am going to end up like my dad - dead at 43. Everyone will have to do a lot more around here if I am dead, or a diabetic amputee with congestive heart failure like my mother... so I selfishly take my gym time, I selfishly spend money on my protein, vitamins and fitness program.
The great news is that for the most part, my family is pretty understanding about the time commitment. I just know that most moms out there can't get 5 minutes to pee in private, let alone be allowed to LEAVE the house sans les enfants. And that shit is just rediculous, breeds passive aggressive and codependent wives/mothers.
I've noticed a significant reduction in my bitterness. I don't just swallow everything down, keeping a Master Tally in my head to dig up during the next big fight. If things get done, fabulous... If not, I will get to them when I get to them - but for the first time in my life I am giving my inner control freak a coffee break. The baby isn't going to DIE if I am not the one who changes his diaper, the 7 year old won't be scarred for life if I am not the one tucking her in. And my GOD... CPS won't be called if I don't take out the trash everyday. Right now, I am higher on my priority list than I have ever been.... sure I might be disturbingly obsessed, or I just might be dedicated enough to achieve what I've put my mind to for the first time in my life. For women everywhere!
- Sorry for the rant, I really don't know where that came from!
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An inspiration - AGAIN! We do tend to put everyone else first in our lives when I truly believe (although I have a hard time practicing it) that we can't take care of anyone else properly until we take care of ourselves first. Sure the trash may sit there for a day or two, but think of how much you'll be able to do when you've reached your goals! Not only will your body feel better and you'll be able to physically handle more (although I'm not sure how YOU will handle more you already do so much) but you'll have this huge sense of accomplishment for yourself, but also for your future, your children, and your family, because you loved them enough TO BE selfish. You may be taking time for you now but you're making time for them in the future by making sure you're healthy and you will be here in the long run.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing and I love you doll!
Man, I think we really are twins! I could have written this blog myself, except I'm not quite there yet. I can't seem to find a way to combat the constant guilt that comes with working full time while putting my 15-month-old son in daycare all day, not to mention that I work late 1-2 nights a week as well. So I feel like the worst mom in the world when I take anymore time away from him. In that 15 months, I haven't had a haircut, gone shopping save for grocery shopping (which I usually take off early from work on a Friday to do or take him with me), done anything that I would LIKE to do instead of HAVE to do, let alone exercise. I used to exercise all the time - I ran a marathon the day my son was conceived. I know everything you say is true, I will be a better mom if I take time for myself. And I will definitely be a better wife if I take time for myself. Maybe if I keep repeating this mantra, it will happen...eventually. Thanks for your honesty!
ReplyDeleteAww Emily!!! So stoked to see you here! I have a 12 month old son and I definitely deal with the guilt... just have to remember that you are actually DOING this for him!
ReplyDeleteA couple of things work for me - when I first started working out, I would put him in his high chair with a snack while I did most of it. He fussed until I got him up.
Now, he laughs while I work... knowing that Mama will pick him up shortly and incorporate him into the workout. I lift him, put him on my belly and do butt lifts - it's fun for the whole family! LOL. It gets more complicated when my 61 pound 7 year old wants a ride too! Good luck!